A Martyr For My Love For You

Day 2- Your first love, in great detail

My first love was a boy. He is three years older than I and we still speak to each other. He knows me better than I know myself. With one look at my face, he knows if something is wrong. He was the first person I could envision myself spending a happy life with. He also lives in Virginia, about 1400 miles from where I live, the biggest reason why I fell in love with him despite him being a man. He’s 6 foot 4, blond with green eyes, and plays baseball (pitcher). He wants to go into business but also has an affinity towards science, environmental science in particular. He wears glasses and cuts his hair often but never likes his hair cut. He only owns one pair of long pants despite it snowing 5 out of 12 months where he lives. He doesn’t like to read but he loves to watch anime. He broke his iPhone 3 juggling it and that’s how he got his iPhone 5. He has two older sisters and two nieces. His shoulders are covered in freckles and he’s whiter than white-out. He has remarkably long and thin fingers and his legs are very hairy. We broke up because he wanted to give me more opportunities to be happy. Losing that relationship with him has been one of my biggest regrets to date. We still have yet to meet in person, but I still know him better than anyone I know in real life.

Honestly, I just want to see how short I am compared to him. And to hug him for five hours. Maybe more.

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I Know What I Am

I’ve decided to do a 30 day writing challenge just for some inspiration. Here goes nothing.

Day 1- Introduce yourself.

My name is Eileen. It means the giver of light in an Irish dialect, which I find quite ironic seeing as I tend to feel shrouded in darkness. I am a virgo. I am a type 1 diabetic, I have been for almost 14 years. It doesn’t get any easier. I have severe chronic depression, severe social anxiety, panic disorder, and asthma. I’m an honors student in high school. I want to be a special effects make-up artist, or an editor for a publishing company. I really love to draw but I think I have no talent. I’m lesbian and I’m in love with my best friend. I really love Marvel comics, the X-Men in particular, Rogue in particular. She’s my babe. Reading is my addiction, I need rehab pronto. I’m in love with words. 

I invest myself in the people I love and my strength of emotions is never returned. I always love more than I am loved. I’ve only ever wanted to be wanted. I’ve written my suicide note 3 times but have never followed through. Some days are better than others, but rarely is any day good. I still want to die a lot of times. 

I love listening to music. I listen to music while I read, I listen to music while I do homework, I listen to music while I draw, I listen to music while I longboard. I need music to survive.

I’m a control freak. I don’t trust people to do a good job so I would rather overload myself with work than risk it coming out bad. 

My favorite movie is Sucker Punch. My favorite book is Jane Eyre. My favorite color is black. I really love high heels but I also love big sweaters. 

My biggest dream is to be happy. I need a hug but I hate physical contact.

I am a walking paradox and all of my organs hate me. I’m an introvert, only really letting myself go with my two pillars, and rarely even with them. 

I just want someone to tell me they love me and mean it.

Reflection

As an assignment for English in January when we were reading The Perks of Being A Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky, my classmates and I were asked to reflect on 2013 as well as our resolutions and hopes for 2014. The following is (a slightly edited version of) my letter.

 

2013 was one of the most difficult years I’ve lived through in my young life. In February, I lost my grandfather. My grandparents, for the most part, raised me. Beginning when I was three months old, my parents would drop me off at my grandparent’s house at seven in the morning and would pick me up between eight or nine in the evening. My grandparents taught me everything from cooking basic meals to mowing the lawn, and they never judged me or put me down. My grandparents were the only people who I could say with absolute certainty loved me. My grandfather’s death was an extremely painful loss which to this day, over a year later, I am still mourning. 

Leaving middle school was a sigh of relief for me. To say I disliked middle school is an understatement. Between grueling work as part of being in advanced classes, extreme bullying, and feeling as though I was losing my mind every time I set foot into the building, I was extremely eager to leave. This feeling came with a grain of salt, however, as it also meant saying goodbye to my best friend, my third pillar you could say. We met in 6th grade and she became the sister I never had. To this day, she still knows me better than anyone. My grandfather took half my heart when he passed away and saying goodbye to her was like losing the other half. I was starting high school completely on my own.

The entire week before the first day of school, I would go to sleep wrecked in anxiety attacks. The first day of school, however, put my fears quickly to rest. I made friends easily and before I knew it, the first month had gone by with smooth sailing, and I met my pillars. I found solace in my pillars, a place where for the first time in my life I felt like I belonged. I finally found a home and it was with my two pillars.

Towards the end of 2013, my aunt was diagnosed with stage 2 cancer, which has been yet another severe blow to my family. I’ve now resolved to cut any and all attachments I have to my family to avoid being so catastrophically hurt again.

In 2014, I aim to stop letting my anxiety and depression take control over my life. I want to spend more time with my friends, and do more of the things that make me happy. I want to do things for myself first. I hope for 2014 to be much better than 2013, but I know this will not happen if I just sit by and watch as time passes. I need to make moves to make this year better myself.

 

So far, instead of cutting ties with my family, I’ve actually developed a better relationship with my brother. I only hope that I will not regret this in the future. My aunt’s cancer has spread and she has begun chemotherapy sessions. My anxiety, if anything, has only gotten worse as has my depression. My mother has received phone calls advising her to take me to a therapist.

I haven’t seen as much progress in these months as I would have liked to have seen, but there are still 7 months left of 2014 and I aim to make use of this time to get some of these issues sorted out. My only wish is that my grandfather could still be here; I’ve forgotten what his voice sounds like.

Happy People

Recently, I have been giving a lot of thought to human nature. I’ve always heard people say to not let your happiness depend on someone else, or that being alone is better than relying on people because it’s a sure fire way to avoid getting hurt. I don’t buy this.

I think that part of being human, part of our nature, is our need to be around people. I think humans are just another animal that travel in packs, like wolves and horses, among another number of animals. And I think this goes into letting your happiness rely on others.

I find it extremely difficult to be happy; this feeling is heightened when I am alone. I am always unable to sufficiently distract myself from my thoughts and emotions and I sink into a very low place when I am left to my own devices for an extended period of time (this time frame usually being more than 4 hours at a time). Don’t get me wrong though, I love being alone. I just hate feeling lonely.

I’m an introvert, meaning I need time to myself to recharge, especially after being around people all day, like at school. I get overrun by anxiety when I can’t find an opportunity to relax in solitude and really just think. The one thing I appreciate from being sad is I think a lot.  think about the world and the universe and the forces out to get us and I think about our minds and people and I think about why humans are the way they are. Being sad has kept me from being close-minded.

We are alive today because of our ancestors working together. Our species would not have gotten very far if our ancestors had tried fending for themselves all the time and not working as a team. I think it’s simple human nature for humans to feel an urge to be with other humans, in simple terms.

 

Progress, Progress

A major fault of mine is I enjoy avoiding confrontation, especially from the people I am closest to. I put up with these people and let them use me and walk over me as they please and I merely put up with it to avoid a fight. I don’t like complaining, especially not to these people, and most especially not to these people about how they have hurt me.

However, I finally reached my breaking point.

I snapped at one of my pillars about my limits. He was the first person I told about me being gay and since telling him, I’ve always felt as though he thought I were joking. He is an extremely touchy person, and this is another problem for me as physical contact-as childish and moronic as this sounds- gives me terrible anxiety. I finally reached my limit with him and snapped. I think he got the message this time.

With my would-be significant other, I admitted that she steps over my boundaries many times but I always let it slide because of the feelings I have for her. I think this caused her to realize the pedestal I hold her upon, how important she is to me. I was also happy in confessing this to her because I realized that she’s the type of person who when she really loves someone, she doesn’t do much to really show it. I realized that in her at times even neglecting me, it’s just her way of telling me she loves me. I think its needless to say this revelation helped calm me down and made me feel very relaxed and content.

The most difficult confrontation I faced was with the person whom I’ve known for the last going-on 3 years, and who knows me quite honestly better than I know myself. He’s been a key factor in my life these past few years, and without a doubt I would not be alive and writing this at this moment if it were not for him. The past few months have taken their toll on our relationship, though. I’ve felt as though our age difference (3 years) is coming between us in terms of our needs right now. He needs a stable relationship; I need to stop wanting to kill myself every other day. He’s getting a job and going to college and I’m merely finishing my first year of high school. However, I don’t think this is enough for us to completely give up on our relationship. Really, he is too important to me for me to just let him go, and I told him so. I haven’t seen any immediate effects of this conversation with him, as I saw with my two pillars, but I’m hoping that at least some of what I told him resonated with him.

Confrontation is tricky and nerve-wracking, but I’ve learned that it is also necessary to maintain a healthy relationship. To me, this is progress in doing good for myself and paying attention to the things that are in my best interest. This is progress, baby.

Holy Cow!

A few weeks ago in english, we were discussing whether, as human beings, we should strive to be “extraordinary”. Everyone started shooting out what their idea of being extraordinary meant, and while I did put in my share of thought, I felt that I hadn’t really described something articulate that really expressed my thoughts on the subject matter.

For someone to consider themselves to be extraordinary, I think it means they have completed their life goals and have, in essence, reached a state of nirvana where they no longer want for anything and have reached a state of pure happiness.

Many people interpret being extraordinary as being adventurous and a risk-taker, which I think is a faulty assumption. Some people are not adventurous and so to peg them as not being a great person simply because they refrain from participating in dangerous and risky situations isn’t fair.

If a person’s life goal is to read every James Patterson book and they achieve this, I think they are extraordinary. If a person’s goal is to own 20 pairs of black stiletto heels and they manage this, I think they are extraordinary.

To put it in simpler words, if you achieve a goal you set for yourself and you feel satisfied and happy with yourself for having achieved your goal, I consider you to be extraordinary. 

Dissolve Me

Since I was a young child, I’ve always been the shy kid. I’ve mentioned before it’s difficult for me to make friends, simply because I don’t know how to. I’m the classic case of an introvert.

The past week has been especially toiling. It seems that people do not understand the simple phrase ‘I don’t like to be touched’. I sincerely don’t know any other way to say that. People touching me makes me feel as though my skin were being burned. It fills me with anxiety and I simply cannot handle it. Yet, when I tell people this, it seems that they interpret it as an invitation to touch me even more and don’t comply with my begging for them to stop.

I am quite exhausted from having to be around people for 7+ hours a day because of school. I’m eager for classes to be over and have the opportunity of having two months to myself. Being around people is proving to be quite exhausting.

Sick and Impatient

I have multiple oceans worth of patience. If my patience were water, I’d have enough to hydrate every third world country. I can put up with a lot of shit, especially from those I care most about.

This doesn’t mean, however, that it’s perfectly okay for people to walk all over me and abuse me. I may have a lot of patience but, like any other human being, I have a limit- a breaking point. I am coming dangerously close to that point.

I don’t want for these people to see me lose my patience. My last relationship suffered greatly from this and I want to avoid further problems from this. I hold a lot in, as much as it may not seem. I rarely say- at least to your face- when something you do bothers me; I merely put up with it and ignore it. It is impossible for me to hold a grudge, I’ve tried countless times and it never works out. I don’t see the point in remaining mad at someone for an extended period of time. For this reason, it seems people have interpreted that they could do whatever their heart pleases and I will never complain or tell them to stop. I will only laugh and play along, and for the most part this is quite true. I mostly do it, however, to avoid hurting the other person’s feelings. I can have my feelings hurt a thousand times over, but I could never hurt them.

I don’t hold grudges, but I do remember.