There’s a lot on my mind tonight.
For starters, our second show aired today. This week was probably just as grueling as last week, if only slightly less so. I had a major breakdown on Wednesday, and when I say major, I mean I started crying in school. It’s difficult to make me cry to be honest; in reality, there are only three things that effectively cause me to cry: my diabetes, my grandpa, and my anxiety/depression. It’s even more difficult to make me cry when I am surrounded by people. If I ever begin crying public, something is seriously wrong. However, I sought solace in my biology teacher, Mr. Leeson, from last year and it was one of the only times I can remember ever admitting that I wasn’t doing so great. Leeson is one of those kinds of people who I just really have a connection with, I don’t even know how to properly explain it. I’ve only ever had this type of relationship with one other person in my life, that person being my middle school nurse, Richie. I created such a strong bond with these two people, saying good bye to Richie on my last day of middle school was torture. They’re the only people who have been able to tell when I’m not doing that great, and they’re the only people I feel comfortable enough divulging my problems to, because I know they want to help me and want me to be happy. Leeson really, really helped me, at a time when I felt like I couldn’t reach out to anyone.
I recently just got home from a funeral. A family friend passed away. He was about 29 years old, and was on antidepressants. The pills were giving him breathing problems. On Monday the 25th, he had an asthma attack that became so severe, he had a heart attack. Walking into the funeral home, I couldn’t help but think of my grandpa, and Jesus it hurt. I miss my grandpa so much. I miss him with every fiber of my being. I miss him with every breath that I take. I just miss him so much. In two weeks, I will turn 16 years old and it will be my second birthday without my grandpa. I miss him so much.
I hate my diabetes. I hate it with a passion. I want to say I’m having a diabetes burnout, but I’m not, I’m just so sick of it. Is it really so much to ask that my pancreas work properly? Shouldn’t there be a cure for this by now? There’s too many things on my plate right now for me to focus on all of them. I don’t know.