This week was hectic and crazy and a total roller coaster of emotions. It felt like half a year in a handful of days and part of me is glad that the weekend has finally arrived.
I’m unable to say if I had a breakdown or not this week; I feel like I did, but if I did it was different from any other breakdown I’ve ever had. What got me through it was one of my pillars and crush-boy, and jesus christ did they help. Slowly but surely I am beginning to witness the extent of which crush-boy has feelings for me and I honestly love it so much. I’m filled with this buoyancy, it feels like I’m flying. I really, really like him, and I hope and pray that things work out well between us on our date. Not to mention that we work extraordinarily well together; I think amazing things would result from our pairing. My pillar told me we were a “power couple” and -excuse the language- I fucking love that. He’s so much like me, but he’s more grounded to earth than I am, and I feel like that’s something that I need urgently. He told me last night he’d like to do something Friday night as well due to the fact that we were unable to see each other yesterday, and this is giving me so much to look forward to I haven’t thought about hurting myself in two weeks.
I need things to look forward to, whether it is something upcoming or something that is far off in the future. if I have something to look forward to, I have something to work towards, and I have a purpose and a reason to keep striving and to keep pushing myself to not completely give up. These dates are giving me things to look forward to in the near future, they’re giving me something to work towards this week, something to keep me going these next few days, especially since my reward is time with him.
I am so beyond eager and excited and nervous for my dates. I really like him, I really hope this lasts. I really hope it works out.
He makes me forget I’m different.
So much has happened since I last made a post, it’s surprising me.
This past monday the 15th was my 16th birthday, and it was the best birthday I have had in quite a few years. I only spent two waking hours at home, the rest I spent at school and bowling surrounded by love from places I didn’t expect to find it.
I’ve been majorly crushing on this guy from my film class, and when I say crushing, I mean I am not filled with gut-wrenching terror when I hug him, which is scary in itself. I found out on my birthday that he likes me as well, and cloud 9 had nothing on me. Yesterday, he asked me to go on a date with him next weekend to an art museum and lunch and every time I think about it I get this ear-splitting grin on my face and it just makes me really, really happy.
School will likely be the death of me. I have a C in pre-calculus and AP Human Geography, but that’s mostly because my APHUG teacher has neglected from inputting grades to the grade book. I have no idea how to raise my Pre-Cal grade because I honestly don’t understand half of what my teacher says.
This week, though hardly half way through, has felt exceedingly long. I’m eager for the weekend since I’m going to Halloween Horror Nights- Orlando with my brother and a few of my cousins, but I’m mostly excited to be able to sleep in. Sleep has been evading me these past few days and I am really beginning to feel the toll this is taking on my body and mind.
It’s been an excellent week. I really hope it stays this great.
The third week of school and our third show were a success.
I don’t know what I’m going to do with my diabetes. The stress from school has had its impact, a tremendous one at that, on my levels and I’ve been feeling it. Not to mention I’m nearly always too overcome by embarrassment to inject myself around people. There is nothing more difficult than being a teenager with diabetes.
Another common theme making a reoccurring appearance in my thoughts lately is my overwhelming fear at being touched. I was discussing this issue with a very close friend of mine on Friday, and it’s been nagging me since then. I long for love on a level that is incomprehensible, but being touched too much just sets me off. I long for someone to hold me, to touch, to show me affections, to show me all of the affections I was neglected growing up, but I’m too scared to let anyone do so. Add to it the toxicity of my last relationship, I just get flashbacks from all of those horrible moments whenever I hug someone and I can’t get away from it. It doesn’t help that I have 4 classes with him this year, so I really just can’t get away from him. He scares me, it scares me to have to be in such close proximity to him when all I want to do when I’m near him is run away.
My thoughts, as usual, are scrambled. I just want to be okay.