People keep telling me to write, so here I am, writing. I have so much on my mind but so little knowledge in how to write it down. Here it goes.
I have dreamt about Ex-Boyfriend every night for the past week. I can’t escape him. He clogs my mind with every waking minute. I try so hard to convince myself that I did the right thing in letting him go, that it was in both of our best intentions, but I just can’t keep lying to myself. I miss him so much. I miss him with every bone in my body, with every hair on my head, with every heart beat, I miss him.
I was told to write directly to him, but I am too much of a coward to bear his reaction if I were to do so. Instead, I’m going to write to him through here. Hopefully, it serves the same purpose.
I know you hate me. I know that you never want to hear from or see me ever again. I know. But, there are still things I need to clear up, I need you to understand. I hope you know who I’m talking about when I say Scott. You’re a smart guy, you’ll figure it out.
Scott and I never did anything while you and I were together. Whether you believe this or not is entirely up to you, but it was not “3 in a row”. It was never “3 in a row.”
The first year of our relationship was the happiest year of my life. I had a few low points every now and then, but you were there every single time to pick me up when I was down and take care of me until I was back to normal. The entire time, I was buoyant. I was happy. Our first Christmas, when you were in Spain with your dad, I felt like you took my heart with you. Our first Valentine’s day, our first photo booth pictures at school, I felt like a shooting star. Our first Spring Break together, when we went to Orlando with my family, my parents let us sleep together for the entire trip, and I was on Cloud 9. We did an internship together at NOAA, and it was grueling, and it sucked, but we did it together and the bus rides home that took us two hours and you’d fall asleep almost every time and I’d always get mad, but I wouldn’t trade that summer for the cure for Diabetes. We went to Clearwater with your family that summer, and we slept together the entire trip, and I felt like finally, after so many years, I finally found my home, and my home was you.We didn’t get to celebrate our anniversary on the day, I don’t remember why anymore but I remember being mad, but our date to PAMM made up for it all.
And then, in one night, everything changed.
You met the people who have granted you with the type of opportunities that most people can only dream of. I was happy that you’d be getting professional experience and hopefully start making a name for yourself, begin creating the ladder that will get you to where you’ve always wanted to be and where I didn’t know how to get you to. I tried so hard to be supportive, but I was slowly losing you, and I panicked. You had family over and we couldn’t spend Thanksgiving together. You were in Spain and we couldn’t spend Christmas or New Year’s together. You were in Toronto, filming the All Stars game, and we couldn’t spend Valentine’s Day together.
I never realized it while we were together, but now it’s all I can think about. You sacrificed so much every single day so that I wouldn’t have to be home and feel trapped and caged. It’s the same thing Pelican did for me, and continues to do for me every day he can.
When all of a sudden, I couldn’t go over after school anymore, and we couldn’t spend lazy Sundays together, and you stopped coming to my house, I panicked. I thought you were pushing me away. I thought I wasn’t enough for you anymore. I was scared and desperate and I fell into a terrible relapse that I am still unequivocally drowning in.It felt like the support system I had so carefully pieced together after so many years of loneliness and isolation and solitude was just falling apart, it felt like you were running away from me and I was so scared.
I can’t take back what happened the night after competition. I didn’t just leave out what I did when I told you about the night. I also left out the conversations spanning hours over emptying bottles of hard liquor. Conversations where I was telling people who I thought I could trust that I was losing you and didn’t know how to cope with that, because the entire time in the back of my head I was also thinking about how in a year’s time, if everything goes to plan, I’ll be on the opposite side of the country, far away from you. I was so scared. I am so scared.
I can’t take back what happened that night, but not a day goes by when I don’t wish I could.
And then, all of a sudden, we started spending time with new people. And all of a sudden, my circle of friends was growing. I was so used to sticking to the one or two people closest to me and pretending I didn’t have a deep yearning to have more, that when I was presented with an actual group of friends, I jumped head first off of the cliff. When you would be working on weekends, or editing at night, or busy doing anything else, I had these people to fall back on. I had these people to give me attention and distractions. And I started to get really confused, because feelings that I so vividly remember from the beginning of our own relationship, but that had been dormant for weeks, suddenly began rising up again. I was so, so scared. After you got your tattoo, the spark was reinvigorated and I knew solidly that I loved you with everything in me, but then there was distance and there was turmoil and I lost you.
I broke up with you because I did not want you to be my “3rd in a row”and I was too scared of myself to make sure I could keep that from happening.
For now, this is all I can write. There’s so much more I wish to say to you, but I know that my name on your tongue probably burns.
I am so, so sorry. I love you so, so much.