A Letter; Different Format

My endocrinologist appointment was Tuesday. My A1C is now 8.8 (went up 1.8 points) and my doctor is far from happy. Ex-Boyfriend only missed one of my doctor appointments while we were together. He was in all of my doctor notes as a source of my happiness and overall control. The notes changed to post-breakup severe depression and lapse in control. My doctor said I had had a month to grieve the relationship but that didn’t mean I could stop taking care of myself.

He helped me so much with my diabetes, it’s indescribable. I wouldn’t care to check my sugar in front of people as long as he was with me. I wouldn’t care to give my insulin, whether through injection or my pump. When I was still on injections, he would do it for me half the time.┬áHe would go to the hospital in the case of emergencies and hold my hand and make me laugh the entire time. He had spare supplies at his house in case something happened to my pump site. He knew how to use my pump for the times when I didn’t have it in me to just push a few buttons. He even knew how to change my pump site and tubing. During my burnouts, he wouldn’t pressure me to check my sugar; he’d hold me when I cried and understood. He tried to understand, at least.

In my life, this was the first time I genuinely felt okay about my diabetes. I didn’t feel different, or strange, or like I was being ridiculed. I felt normal. He made me feel so normal.

I hate myself so much for making him hate me. I don’t understand how I manage to always let myself fuck up the few good things I come by in life. I really have a hard time believing that someone will one day love me as much as he did. I hate myself so much. I miss him so much.

 

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Mr. Rager

I didn’t think I was going to write today, but lo and behold, here I am.

I just finished scrolling through Ex-Boyfriend’s twitter (told myself not to and proceeded to not listen to myself), and to my…pleasant surprise, he hasn’t deleted his tweets of me yet. I also had a sobering realization in noticing that for the last 2-3 months of our relationship, not a single tweet had to do with me. The signs were there. I didn’t see them until it was too late. He was gone before I could even know to grab him.

I’ve been thinking about my diabetes a lot today. Within the past week, I’ve tried wearing my Sensor 4 times; each time, it peeled right off as soon as any moisture came near it. As a chronic excessive sweater, I’m sure you can see my dilemma.

It really feels like I can’t escape it. I’ve been trying so hard to get my sugars back into an at least okay range, but nothing is working. I had to take anti-nausea pills last night after having 300+ sugars for over 5 hours and no sign of my insulin having any effect on it. This is my last endocrinologist appointment with a pediatric doctor. After September, I’m moved to the “Young Adult” specialist.

My mother had the lovely idea today to begin gathering furniture and decorations for my future dorm room. This only added to my already growing anxiety at the fact that it’s all coming to an end very, very soon. I’m the only person in my friend circle who is applying to, and set on attending, out of state schools. The rest of my friends are all intent on attending the same two schools here in Florida. They’ll be staying together to slowly but steadily forget about me.

It wasn’t a bad day, but it was most definitely a sad one. I’m not ready. Then again, I have no choice, now do I?

A Letter; An Apology, the Beginning

People keep telling me to write, so here I am, writing. I have so much on my mind but so little knowledge in how to write it down. Here it goes.

I have dreamt about Ex-Boyfriend every night for the past week. I can’t escape him. He clogs my mind with every waking minute. I try so hard to convince myself that I did the right thing in letting him go, that it was in both of our best intentions, but I just can’t keep lying to myself. I miss him so much. I miss him with every bone in my body, with every hair on my head, with every heart beat, I miss him.

I was told to write directly to him, but I am too much of a coward to bear his reaction if I were to do so. Instead, I’m going to write to him through here. Hopefully, it serves the same purpose.

I know you hate me. I know that you never want to hear from or see me ever again. I know. But, there are still things I need to clear up, I need you to understand. I hope you know who I’m talking about when I say Scott. You’re a smart guy, you’ll figure it out.

Scott and I never did anything while you and I were together. Whether you believe this or not is entirely up to you, but it was not “3 in a row”. It was never “3 in a row.”

The first year of our relationship was the happiest year of my life. I had a few low points every now and then, but you were there every single time to pick me up when I was down and take care of me until I was back to normal. The entire time, I was buoyant. I was happy. Our first Christmas, when you were in Spain with your dad, I felt like you took my heart with you. Our first Valentine’s day, our first photo booth pictures at school, I felt like a shooting star. Our first Spring Break together, when we went to Orlando with my family, my parents let us sleep together for the entire trip, and I was on Cloud 9. We did an internship together at NOAA, and it was grueling, and it sucked, but we did it together and the bus rides home that took us two hours and you’d fall asleep almost every time and I’d always get mad, but I wouldn’t trade that summer for the cure for Diabetes. We went to Clearwater with your family that summer, and we slept together the entire trip, and I felt like finally, after so many years, I finally found my home, and my home was you.We didn’t get to celebrate our anniversary on the day, I don’t remember why anymore but I remember being mad, but our date to PAMM made up for it all.

And then, in one night, everything changed.

You met the people who have granted you with the type of opportunities that most people can only dream of. I was happy that you’d be getting professional experience and hopefully start making a name for yourself, begin creating the ladder that will get you to where you’ve always wanted to be and where I didn’t know how to get you to. I tried so hard to be supportive, but I was slowly losing you, and I panicked. You had family over and we couldn’t spend Thanksgiving together. You were in Spain and we couldn’t spend Christmas or New Year’s together. You were in Toronto, filming the All Stars game, and we couldn’t spend Valentine’s Day together.

I never realized it while we were together, but now it’s all I can think about. You sacrificed so much every single day so that I wouldn’t have to be home and feel trapped and caged. It’s the same thing Pelican did for me, and continues to do for me every day he can.

When all of a sudden, I couldn’t go over after school anymore, and we couldn’t spend lazy Sundays together, and you stopped coming to my house, I panicked. I thought you were pushing me away. I thought I wasn’t enough for you anymore. I was scared and desperate and I fell into a terrible relapse that I am still unequivocally drowning in.It felt like the support system I had so carefully pieced together after so many years of loneliness and isolation and solitude was just falling apart, it felt like you were running away from me and I was so scared.

I can’t take back what happened the night after competition. I didn’t just leave out what I did when I told you about the night. I also left out the conversations spanning hours over emptying bottles of hard liquor. Conversations where I was telling people who I thought I could trust that I was losing you and didn’t know how to cope with that, because the entire time in the back of my head I was also thinking about how in a year’s time, if everything goes to plan, I’ll be on the opposite side of the country, far away from you. I was so scared. I am so scared.

I can’t take back what happened that night, but not a day goes by when I don’t wish I could.

And then, all of a sudden, we started spending time with new people. And all of a sudden, my circle of friends was growing. I was so used to sticking to the one or two people closest to me and pretending I didn’t have a deep yearning to have more, that when I was presented with an actual group of friends, I jumped head first off of the cliff. When you would be working on weekends, or editing at night, or busy doing anything else, I had these people to fall back on. I had these people to give me attention and distractions. And I started to get really confused, because feelings that I so vividly remember from the beginning of our own relationship, but that had been dormant for weeks, suddenly began rising up again. I was so, so scared. After you got your tattoo, the spark was reinvigorated and I knew solidly that I loved you with everything in me, but then there was distance and there was turmoil and I lost you.

I broke up with you because I did not want you to be my “3rd in a row”and I was too scared of myself to make sure I could keep that from happening.

For now, this is all I can write. There’s so much more I wish to say to you, but I know that my name on your tongue probably burns.

I am so, so sorry. I love you so, so much.

Hello, Again

In lieu of recent events that have done everything to turn my entire world upside down a few times, I’ve decided it’s time to write again. I had a strange, sad sort of epiphany last night when I realized that my only true inspiration and motivation for writing comes when I struggle to find the will to live, but know that I won’t actually kill myself anyway. Harsh, right?

“I think a lot about killing myself, not like a point on a map, but rather like a glowing exit sign at a show that’s never been quite bad enough to make me want to leave.” -Neil Hilborn

Crush-boy who became boyfriend is now ex-boyfriend, and the tears are already springing up. I made a terrible mistake and I’m paying the price for it every day. In my fear of being abandoned, I chose to escape. I pushed away my rock, my support system, my lover, my confidante, my best friend. I pushed him away so far, he may never come back. I’m giving him space, because it’s what he told me he wanted and it’s what I know he needs, but with every passing day I feel like I forget more and more what it’s like to be human. It’s funny how you don’t realize that something bad is happening until after it’s already happened, and you look back and see all of the warning signs perfectly laid out, waiting for you to turn around and say “Wow, it was coming all along. There was nothing I could do to stop it.” The warning signs were there. I didn’t see them until it was too late.

I have been on the Animas Vibe Insulin Pump now for a year and four months. My last A1C was 7.0 (the lowest I have had in 11 years), but all of that has gone to such shit. My next appointment with my endocrinologist is this coming Tuesday, and I know there’s no way for my A1C to be any lower than 9.0, and even then that’s being optimistic. When the going gets tough, the first thing I stop caring about is always my Diabetes. My Achilles Heel, no matter how much I think I’ve come to accept it, my Diabetes is still my crutch. I feel it now more after the break up especially. Ex-boyfriend was accepting, understanding, and encouraging. As soon as I got on the Pump, he learned how to clip it on and off, how to change the set, and how to administer my insulin. When things would get hot and steamy, he had no qualms or hesitations with clipping my pump off of me, and it definitely never ruined the mood. The Dexcom G4 Sensor (that I’m supposed to use but don’t) would get in the way a bit more, but he was always careful and made sure he wouldn’t pull or press on it. He was so considerate and caring and I never realized that until after I pushed him away. Without him now, it feels like the only thing people can focus on is my Pump. It falls off my belt, I forget to put it on, they stare when I give my insulin. It feels like the Support System that I had so carefully managed to put together after so many years has completely crumbled apart. In one of my last posts from forever ago, I mentioned that Ex-Boyfriend made me forget I’m different. Holy Hell, do I feel different now.

I feel utterly lost. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know who I want to be. I don’t know what makes me feel okay. I don’t know how to be Diabetic.

I don’t know.