Shade and Light

Scrolling through some pictures in my photo roll, I stumble across a few from my freshman year of high school and I’m dumbfounded. It’s hard to believe I was that broken and lonely person just 3 short years ago. Since the time that those pictures were taken, I have grown in ways I never before realized. I am a stronger, more intelligent, and more charismatic human being; in many ways, however, I am also more sensitive and frail.

I hate that I have allowed the events from the past few months to affect me so severely. I am ashamed that I allowed myself to feel weak. I worked for so long to be more than that, to be better than that. I lived a life of hiding in the shadows, and I was tired of not being myself and I vowed that I would not allow myself to be put down by anyone again, but I forgot to include myself in that. I put myself down, I was my own worst enemy. I deserve better than how I have treated myself.

I miss Ex-Boyfriend. I don’t think I’ll ever stop missing him, or needing him, or loving him. I think he will always own a piece of my heart. But eventually, sooner rather than later, I need to start moving on. I need to learn that it’s okay to be alone, that it’s okay to need someone, but that I’m all I need.

I don’t know how to be alone. I never have. In those moments of solitude, I forget who I am and I forget how to live. I feel weak and battered down and like my existence is meaningless.

I lived a life of hiding in the shadows and Ex-Boyfriend brought me into the sunlight. He taught me courage and bravery, and I can’t let that go to waste. I owe him my life and my happiness. I need to learn how to be alone and be okay. I owe him that at least.

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A Letter- A Dream

I had a dream that we were in school, and you walked in unexpectedly. I was simultaneously overjoyed and wreaked by anxiety. You were wearing your gray shirt, the only with the colorful design of what I think is an elephant but have never been completely sure of. You were also clad in your light wash jeans and torn up red Vans. It felt like if I looked at you long enough, I could tattoo your image in the very front of my mind where I could see it every day and never forget what you looked like. If only I could capture scent in the same way. Your smell will forever be one of the only sources of true comfort I will ever know. I still have your Hummer cologne, but I haven’t sprayed it in fear of what my reaction would be.

In my dream, we were working at the dual monitor computer in the classroom and you slipped me a piece of folded lined paper. In scratchy pencil were the small words “I’ll always love you”. I looked at you and you told me you forgave me. I wrapped my arms around your neck in the very hug that I’ve daydreamed about for weeks now. We went home together afterwards and your mom wrapped me in another hug and cried about how much she missed me, while your step-dad questioned why we were back together. I was never sure he really liked me. I awoke from that dream with the soul crushing and bitter taste of disappointment on my lips.

In my dream, I was so happy. I felt a quiet, calm peace that has been absent from my life since May 27th when I broke up with you. Today marks 2 months since that dreadful day and I still regret it and I still hate myself for it and I still love you. I love you more than I will ever, ever, ever be able to express. You were the sun that shone on the dark side of my moon. You made me feel whole. I am so sorry. I am so proud of you.

Breezeblocks

Since yesterday I have been in a very intense and terrible slump and I don’t know how to get out of it. I am in a state of constant panic now where I’m always shaking and the desperation is really starting to win over. I don’t want to harm myself, I know better than that and I made great progress at not needing to, but I am starting to feel like I’ve run out of options.I have no distractions. I feel wholly alone. It would make no difference on anyone’s life if I were here or not. People can get by just fine without me. I am nothing but a nuisance, here to wreck pain on those I love. I feel so small.

It feels like there’s no point anymore. I check my sugar (mostly) when I should, I eat 2-3 meals a day, try to get some exercise in every week, but for what? I’m not actively working towards anything or trying to change for anyone, and I feel like I’ve lost my life’s purpose. I have no purpose.

I just want the pain to end.

A Letter; Memories and Regrets

A situation at home with my parents a couple of nights ago turned very ugly, and my gut reaction was to call you. I obviously didn’t, but I cried for a really long time as I sat at my desk, going over in my head how you would have reacted and what you would have done to comfort me.

I know I spent a lot of time during our relationship mad at you or criticizing you, and I know that those are probably the only memories of our relationship that you think about. They aren’t mine. I think about how foolish I was to always be upset with you, and I’m working so hard now to calm my temperament and think before I react or speak. I mostly remember the times you’d console me on your lap when I was having a bad day, or our adventures walking aimlessly to the nearest fast food joint or supermarket. I remember being comfortable enough with you to sit at your desk and study while you slept, or how you made me so comfortable with my body. I remember our showers together and how we would always come out freezing cold, but laughing. You would let me take a nap after school every day, and you would complain about it but you would always take off my shoes for me when I lifted my legs. We would walk Jackie at night together sometimes, and the conversations we’d have during that time would be short, but usually really deep and special. I’m sorry I wasn’t more supportive when Jackie was put down. I’ve never had a pet before, I didn’t know how much it hurts to lose one.

I got my AP scores, and I wanted to text you. I know you would have been proud of me, but I’m not sure you care anymore, and you probably don’t.

You were my biggest supporter and my best friend, and your absence has taken its toll on me. I am working to be a better, calmer, and more poised person, because that’s what you always wanted me to be. I’ve been playing soccer a lot, trying hard to remember all of the tips you told me about being a goalkeeper. I’m keeping myself occupied as much as possible to avoid feeling sad, but I always get to a point where I can’t keep the feelings away anymore. I want nothing more, in those moments and in the good moments, to pick up the phone and call you, listen to your voice.

It upsets me to feel like all of the sacrifices and choices I have made have been in vain.

I love you, with my entire heart. You are still my favorite person in the whole world. I miss you so much. I’m sorry for all of the pain I’ve caused you. I am trying to make up for it in ways I don’t even know. I’m so sorry.

I love you.

How to Teach a Disease

The next chronicle in my ongoing struggle to tackle my diabetes head first and finally come to terms with it.

I’ve done some research and have been reading some new websites, places where I can somewhat quench my eternal thirst for knowledge. I was getting a bit bored of Vox and The Verge and have thus far read around on FiveThirtyEight and Nautilus. I am very disappointed.

On both sites, my first search was “diabetes”. Nautilus claims to be a modern science magazine, yet all of its diabetes related articles had “obesity” in the same sentence, as if diabetes is intrinsically linked to obesity in all cases. It’s frustrating when the level of stigma surrounding the disease is so intense that even science magazines contribute to the misconceptions. The only articles that differentiated between the two types of the disease only commented on Type 2, only serving to add to the stigma surrounding the disease. The one article that showed a hint of promise by not including obesity in the headline or subtitle was actually dedicated to newly discovered advancements in cancer treatment.

How am I supposed to accept my own disease and its difficulties when most of the people I surround with have their understanding of it all wrong? I’m supposed to completely reeducate all of my peers, try to erase what they’ve been conditioned to know and teach them the reality of my daily struggle to live.