Scrolling through some pictures in my photo roll, I stumble across a few from my freshman year of high school and I’m dumbfounded. It’s hard to believe I was that broken and lonely person just 3 short years ago. Since the time that those pictures were taken, I have grown in ways I never before realized. I am a stronger, more intelligent, and more charismatic human being; in many ways, however, I am also more sensitive and frail.
I hate that I have allowed the events from the past few months to affect me so severely. I am ashamed that I allowed myself to feel weak. I worked for so long to be more than that, to be better than that. I lived a life of hiding in the shadows, and I was tired of not being myself and I vowed that I would not allow myself to be put down by anyone again, but I forgot to include myself in that. I put myself down, I was my own worst enemy. I deserve better than how I have treated myself.
I miss Ex-Boyfriend. I don’t think I’ll ever stop missing him, or needing him, or loving him. I think he will always own a piece of my heart. But eventually, sooner rather than later, I need to start moving on. I need to learn that it’s okay to be alone, that it’s okay to need someone, but that I’m all I need.
I don’t know how to be alone. I never have. In those moments of solitude, I forget who I am and I forget how to live. I feel weak and battered down and like my existence is meaningless.
I lived a life of hiding in the shadows and Ex-Boyfriend brought me into the sunlight. He taught me courage and bravery, and I can’t let that go to waste. I owe him my life and my happiness. I need to learn how to be alone and be okay. I owe him that at least.