Down by the River

Have you ever felt like you were drowning, but you manage to kick your legs and keep your head above water, but only just barely so? Your legs are starting to fatigue and it’s taking so much work that you barely think it’s worth it but you keep kicking anyway.

That’s as close to accurate as I can get to describing how I feel right now. It’s a down day, really really down, and I’m trying so hard to keep my head up and remind myself of everything I have going for me, but it’s so hard. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and I can’t reinvent myself in a week, but it feels barely worth it at this point. I feel so inherently alone.

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Ghost!

Today is a down day and I’ve stopped trying to fight it. Down days are essential to making the up days extra good. I think I’ve been doing okay. I’ve had a few slip ups and moments where I’ve let myself feel worse than I should have, but Rome wasn’t built in a day and I can’t expect to completely reinvent myself in a week. So today is a down day and I’m doing my best to cope with that.

Ex-Boyfriend never called. He said he’d call when he got back in town, but he never did, and as we speak he’s boarding another plane and flying miles away from me. I yearn to talk to him. Besides Pelican, I feel like he’s the only one who ever really listened. I’ve been keeping a lot bottled up lately, and I know that I shouldn’t, but I don’t feel comfortable enough with my friends to try and talk to them about anything.

I’m coming to realize that I think I need new friends. While the ones that I currently have are often my pillars of support and the only people keeping me afloat, sometimes, especially as of late, they’ve been doing me more harm than good. Their characters have changed as they have entered relationships, they are often aloof when I need them most, and they hurt me when all I’ve done is try to help and be a good person. I’m not that good at making friends, I guess.

Home is no different really. I feel like a stranger in my own bed, but that’s nothing new.

We’re going back to school and working, and I welcome this much needed distraction. I feel Ex-Boyfriend’s ghost in almost every room I walk into, but I try to take inspiration from likely suggestions he would have given. I try to make the memory of him helpful instead of painful. On down days, that’s hard to do, but I think I’m doing okay.

Overall, I think I’m doing okay. Let’s just hope I can do okay for long enough.

How do you get over someone who gave you a whole world?

Heart of a Lion

I’ve succumbed to the dark world of Reddit-and I love it. I was always repelled from using the site due to its completely user-unfriendly desktop site, but a friend recently recommended the app BaconReader and I can’t put it down now.

Today, I decided to visit /r/diabetes_t1, so make this another chronicle in the series of trying to come to terms with my disease. I think that’s my mission for my last year of high school: Accept (or at least come close) my diabetes and learn to be okay with being alone. So far, I’ve provided advice to someone with questions about Sensors and also helped someone who was having trouble explaining what being low/high feels like.

It feels good, I feel like I’m doing something right. The past few days, as I’ve struggled to come out of the pool of Missing Ex-Boyfriend that I’ve been drowning in, I keep telling myself (because of trusty advice from Pelican) that my best chance at winning him over again is to prove that I am a better person. I try to be a good person, and I fail often, but I don’t stop trying. I’m studying for the ACT, I’m playing video games into the early morning, I’m getting exercise, I’m reading, I’m keeping up with the 2016 Election, I’m editing videos, I’m doing college applications. I want to prove to Ex-Boyfriend that I am worthy of his trust, and I went through a really rough patch, but I am trying my hardest to do better and be a better person.

I’m often lonely, but I also keep telling myself that I shouldn’t rely on other people in order to be content with myself. I think the hardest part of all of this is trying to convince myself that despite everything I did, I’m still a somewhat decent person.

Wish me luck.