Stubborn Love

I haven’t published a post in a while because I haven’t been able to finish writing. I keep starting to write, starting to develop a story, some mediocre plot, but it falls apart just as I begin to pick up some steam and I never follow through. School began two weeks ago for me, and I feel like I haven’t had time to even breathe.

My goals for this school year are to become completely independent and to eat healthier. I’ve been eating salad whenever possible and trying (sometimes miserably, sometimes bravely) to stay away from heavily processed and all around unhealthy food. I’ve seen a dramatic change in my blood sugars since I changed my diet, and I have much more energy than before, but I know that the road ahead is long and foreboding. I’m determined to stick it out.

I keep feeling like none of my classes stimulate me or my mind. I’m taking mostly Advanced Placement, AICE, or Dual Enrollment courses, and yet I feel like I’m hardly in a Gifted class. My appreciation of intelligence and learning is quickly being depreciated as my teachers seem to have given up on educating seniors before we can even begin to lose our willpower. I’m not ready to take a break or stop learning; I want to be challenged and tested and pushed to my limits so that I can keep breaking my limits. It’s upsetting that my teachers seem to not share in my passion.

I’ve made friends in unlikely places and people, but I’m happy. I’m happier than I’ve been in months. Ex-Boyfriend still rings a steady pang in my heart, but I’m learning to live in memory of him instead of for him. I’m learning to be my own person, and most importantly, to be a better person. A few days this week have been particularly difficult, and I’ve had moments where I’ve wanted nothing more than to pick up my phone and call him, but I power through. We watched a short movie once from Disney; the moral of the film was perseverance in the face of adversity with the catchphrase “Chin up now, pip pip” repeated throughout the film. When I would be having a bad day, he would kiss my forehead and tell me the phrase, and just the silliness of the “pip pip” would make me feel better. I tell it to myself almost every day.

I’ll be okay. The more I say that to myself, the more likely it is to be true. At least, that’s how it works in theory, right?

I’ll be okay.