Detune

Frustrating nights become frustrating days become frustrating weeks.

I really hate when people try to put words in my mouth or misconstrue what I was trying to say. If I say “I wasn’t impressed,” I did not say “I hated it” and don’t try to make it seem like I did.  For the most part, I mean exactly what I say, and except for few cases with few people, I rarely leave something up the implication. Do not try to assume how I feel or what I’m thinking because I can guarantee you will almost always be wrong.

This week got off to a rocky start on Monday and it’s felt pretty downhill from there. I had a few brief hours of respite last night, but I’m back in a hole and I don’t really feel like climbing out anytime soon.

I’m tired of people not doing their parts and leaving me to pick up their slack. I’m tired of people needlessly taking their frustrations out on me because someone else pissed them off. I’m tired of constantly being made out to be the bad person when I actively try to remain as fair and balanced as possible, and I watch everything I say so carefully. Literally, I don’t watch my tone for one sentence in an entire day, but that one sentence is held against me for a week. It’s honestly starting to feel like I won’t win regardless of how hard I try to remain in people’s good graces, and I’m starting to just get fed up with even trying.

For the first time in a really long while, it’s starting to feel like I won’t miss a lot of my life here once I leave for college. How unfortunate.

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Satisfied

Cheers to another surprisingly good week!

I had another two interviews with universities I applied to, and they were worlds better than my first one! I’m still in shock at the praise I received from my interviewers, and the conversations I had with them make me really excited at the prospect of having similar conversations in a college environment. I’m really eager to be surrounded by people who are as willing and hungry to learn as I am. 70 days until I know where I’ll be living in just about eight months, and I’m excited.

I finally sorted out the issue with my sensor, which I am now happily wearing again after a four-month hiatus. Now that I’m halfway through the school year and I’ve gotten through the worst of it, I’m cracking down on my diabetes care again. I had let myself slip for the past few weeks because of how stressed I was due to applications, school, and competition, but I’m getting myself back together now. I need to instill good habits early to make sure I can remain healthy once I move away.

I’m lacking motivation when it comes to school simply because it feels like my teachers and peers collectively have given up. I get that we’re seniors, but I don’t understand why that means I should want to stop working. If anything, I feel like that would make the transition to college only that much more difficult. I want to be challenged and I want to grow, and it sucks that it seems like the people around me don’t want to put in the effort to do the same.

As time passes, I’m realizing more and more how difficult it will be to say goodbye to my family. I never anticipated that it would be this way. Growing up, I always had distant relationships with my cousins because of our large age differences, but as I’ve grown and matured, they’ve come to take me more seriously and we’ve grown closer. By the same token, I’m extremely joyed that at the very least, I will have them to call in good times and in bad.

My hard work and dedication in school are coming to fruition, my health is better than it has been in years, I’m happy with myself and the progress I’ve made. Good things are coming; I’m working for them.

Cocoa Hooves

From now on, I am going to try to empty my feelings at least once a week. I really enjoy being able to look back at old posts and see how far I’ve come, and I want to do it more often.

This past week was very good to me. I finally actually got my septum pierced on Tuesday, we finished a good show on Thursday, we’ll be covering a gay pride festival tomorrow. I said my goodbyes to my favorite person, and I feel very at peace. I got a lot off of my chest, and I really am okay.

I need to get back on track with my sugars. I’m scared I’m slipping back into a burnout, but I don’t know how to pull myself out of it. I’ve been having a lot of complications with my insurance and trying to get a new sensor, and that’s really put a damper on my want to take care of myself.

We’re in full-on competition mode now, which makes me both anxious and excited. I am preparing myself to leave everything I have on the table, but the stakes are high and I don’t want to pull an Icarus and fly too close to the sun. Planning the trip is even more stressful than I anticipated (which says a lot), but it also makes me feel incredibly productive and empowered.

I’ve been reading more lately which makes me really, really happy. I can’t believe I forgot the joy and tranquility that books provide.

I have two more college interviews coming up, but after my first one, I’m not that scared anymore.

I graduate in five months. I know I should be excited, and I am, but more than anything I’m scared. I’ve dreamt of graduating and going to college since I was 11, but now that it’s coming so quickly, I don’t know if I’m ready. Then again, will I ever really be ready? I want to be on my own, a free human being with an independent will, but there is SO much I have to worry about that I don’t know I’ll be able to handle it all. Only time will tell.

I’m happy in a way I haven’t been for a while. It’s a calm, quiet happy now. I’m going to make sure it lasts.

HandClap

Inspiration for another tattoo idea hit me: a bird flying out of an open cage. Jane Eyre. “I am a bird; and no net ensnares me.” Sure, the quote says net but a cage is much more aesthetically pleasing. I’m happy I finally found a relevant tattoo in honor of my favorite novel.

My winter break officially ends tomorrow. I’m proud of myself. My last school break was the summer and I was such a mess. Looking back, it pleases me to say I don’t really recognize that person anymore. I got through these two weeks alone for the most part and I got by very well. My own company was enough for once.

I had an interview with a big university yesterday, and although it didn’t go as I expected, I’m honored for having had the opportunity. I applied to a total of 16 schools and by April 1st, I’ll know where I’ll be living in the fall. My hard work is slowly and steadily being acknowledged.

I’ve been finding more time to read which also makes me happy. Books were my first friends and first loves, I’m glad I can still find solace in them.

Competition season is beginning and I can’t wait for the rush of working.

I’m eager for a change of pace. I’m growing in ways I never deemed possible only months ago, but I’m starting to feel, more than ever before, that Miami isn’t enough for me. I doubt I’d like New York very much, but I’m eager for the opportunity to explore it. I’ll be in California in March and although the west coast isn’t very appealing, I’m looking forward to this chance to be somewhere new and inviting. Chicago’s blisteringly cold winters scare me, but I think I’d like its overall atmosphere. DC is calling to me, but I need to see more of the world before I settle down.

I haven’t been to any museums in months; they were a special place of ours. I need an art fix. I might go mudding with some friends, though.

I never, in a million years, thought this would be my life, but I’m very happy for it. I’ve been reflecting on early-2016 the past few days, the carcass of a person that I was during that time, and I’m proud that I was able to pull myself out of that and make something better. I’m a stronger and more independent individual than I was then, and the future is only looking better.