Black Out Days

I write because it’s what I feel the most secure at doing, even if it’s not what I’m best at. I’ve always struggled to communicate well with those around me, but the struggle is alleviated, even if only slightly, through writing.

The past week was a larger test of my patience, skillset, and demeanor than I ever could have imagined beforehand. I’m left feeling thoroughly underwhelmed after competition, and more than a little slighted. I know that I made some of the best work I ever have, and those around me recognize that as well, and it’s a shame that more people didn’t feel the same way. I want to feel this intense fervor to work harder and push more boundaries, but I’m currently left asking myself what the point of any more effort is if it will only be overlooked once again.

What is diabetes but a mountain that I try to climb over but only ever fall off of. I am trying desperately to get back on track, I truly am, but there are more pebbles to move than people think.

I saw him. I touched him. I laughed with him. I kissed him. I spent the day with him and everything was right and everything was okay again. I can live without him, I have for this long and I think I’m doing okay, but I want to be more than okay. God, this boy gives my life so much color and vibrancy and clarity. I was with him and I was filled with this overwhelming sense that if everything wasn’t already okay, it would be soon. I’ve lived for months seemingly hopeless, drifting through life doing what I believed I should be doing and wanted to be doing, but after this one day with him I felt hope. I felt hope for the first time in months.

He comes back in three weeks and I’m counting down the days. My platypus, my sloth, my love, my life, is coming home even if it’s just for a few days, and for those few days I will be whole once again. I cannot wait.

And finally, you.

I know you’re reading this, you read all of my posts. I spent the rest of the week doing my best act at being civil because I didn’t care to illicit more drama than our first few days in Cali did, but the trip is over and I can behave how I wish. You had the audacity to ask me to delete my last post, the audacity to lie to my face, the audacity to pretend that nothing is happening. I wonder how stupid you genuinely believe me to be. This is so far beyond he said- she said; I have pictures. I have textual evidence. I don’t know who you’re trying to fool. I’m not going to school tomorrow to avoid having to interact with you, at least for one more day. You have sapped all of my expanses at being compassionate and understanding. You said you chose me and you lied. Again. And now, I am done.

I want you out of my life. I want all of the pain and suffering and discomfort you have caused me to disappear. I want to go to New York to escape my family, to escape my problems, and to escape you. I want to get as far away from you as possible. You do not deserve an ounce of me and what I have offered. You deserve less than trash.

I genuinely hope you learn to live with yourself, the mistakes you’ve made, the life you’ve chosen, and without the people you chose to abandon, the people who looked up to you, the people who respected you. I hope you’re okay with being a pathetic excuse for a role-model.

If I go to FSPA, it will be for Danny, not you. I don’t want to see you at graduation, and if I do, I need you to stay as far away from me as possible. You will not ruin that day for me.

 

He is coming in three weeks and all will be well. “I love you. I never stopped.” My love, you never stopped filling every crevice of my life. We will make it work.

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