Shade and Light

Scrolling through some pictures in my photo roll, I stumble across a few from my freshman year of high school and I’m dumbfounded. It’s hard to believe I was that broken and lonely person just 3 short years ago. Since the time that those pictures were taken, I have grown in ways I never before realized. I am a stronger, more intelligent, and more charismatic human being; in many ways, however, I am also more sensitive and frail.

I hate that I have allowed the events from the past few months to affect me so severely. I am ashamed that I allowed myself to feel weak. I worked for so long to be more than that, to be better than that. I lived a life of hiding in the shadows, and I was tired of not being myself and I vowed that I would not allow myself to be put down by anyone again, but I forgot to include myself in that. I put myself down, I was my own worst enemy. I deserve better than how I have treated myself.

I miss Ex-Boyfriend. I don’t think I’ll ever stop missing him, or needing him, or loving him. I think he will always own a piece of my heart. But eventually, sooner rather than later, I need to start moving on. I need to learn that it’s okay to be alone, that it’s okay to need someone, but that I’m all I need.

I don’t know how to be alone. I never have. In those moments of solitude, I forget who I am and I forget how to live. I feel weak and battered down and like my existence is meaningless.

I lived a life of hiding in the shadows and Ex-Boyfriend brought me into the sunlight. He taught me courage and bravery, and I can’t let that go to waste. I owe him my life and my happiness. I need to learn how to be alone and be okay. I owe him that at least.

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Death (Cab for Cutie)

Personally, I think my biggest fear is that I do not fear death enough. Most teenagers like me are terrified of the notion of death because we are taught to believe that we have time. I understand that my moments on this planet are fleeting and will soon be forgotten when I pass. I understand that while most people like to believe they have X amount of years left, and dread the moment when the Grim Reaper comes to collect their souls, I have merely accepted it. I know that life, for the most part, is suffering, but I also know to appreciate the happy moments when they come because they are few and far between. I’m at a state of acceptance which leaves me feeling empty and cold most of the time, but this too I have come to accept. I’ve been told that I’m an old soul reincarnated and having a hard time adjusting, but I think by having this acceptance that I truly may not wake up in the morning leaves me yearning to make more use of the time when I am alive and able to do something. For all I know, I could be the person who cures Diabetes. Although in centuries I will be forgotten because Diabetes no longer exists, my name etched in stone that has long weathered away, I will have made a difference in the lives of countless people right now, and that is enough for me. If I make an impact on merely one person in my lifetime, that is enough for me. In history, my life will hardly be a wrinkle in time, but I aim to make this wrinkle worthwhile.