A Lack of Color

I wouldn’t call Tuesday an overreaction, but a gut reaction. Over time, and especially since seeing him, I did the one thing I was supposed to avoid at all costs: getting attached.

I love him. He loves me. We know this. He is my world as I am his. The distance is too great to make this any shade of easy. The distance itself isn’t even the problem; the real problem is how intense his workload is, to the point that simple texting is unfeasible for him. I know if he tried harder we could make it work, but I don’t want to ask that of him. He has too much to focus on and I don’t want to be a contributing factor to his stress; inversely, I want to be a source of relief and relaxation. I can’t be that person if I get attached.

I brought up spending a month in the summer with him, and he said he’s discuss it with his mother. It wasn’t a no, which gives me hope and I am allowing myself to hope, even if it’s just this once.

I miss being loved. Life is lonely and it isn’t easy.

Death (Cab for Cutie)

Personally, I think my biggest fear is that I do not fear death enough. Most teenagers like me are terrified of the notion of death because we are taught to believe that we have time. I understand that my moments on this planet are fleeting and will soon be forgotten when I pass. I understand that while most people like to believe they have X amount of years left, and dread the moment when the Grim Reaper comes to collect their souls, I have merely accepted it. I know that life, for the most part, is suffering, but I also know to appreciate the happy moments when they come because they are few and far between. I’m at a state of acceptance which leaves me feeling empty and cold most of the time, but this too I have come to accept. I’ve been told that I’m an old soul reincarnated and having a hard time adjusting, but I think by having this acceptance that I truly may not wake up in the morning leaves me yearning to make more use of the time when I am alive and able to do something. For all I know, I could be the person who cures Diabetes. Although in centuries I will be forgotten because Diabetes no longer exists, my name etched in stone that has long weathered away, I will have made a difference in the lives of countless people right now, and that is enough for me. If I make an impact on merely one person in my lifetime, that is enough for me. In history, my life will hardly be a wrinkle in time, but I aim to make this wrinkle worthwhile.