Life Itself

In 88 days, I will be living in the city of my dreams, the prodigal “room where it happens”. I will be given the opportunities of interning on Capitol Hill or volunteering at a number of non-profit organizations. I will meet people from around the world. And best of all, not a single person there knows me. I have no predisposed expectations to live up to. I can be a wholly new person and set up a new life for myself. This current moment is one I have been working for and dreaming of for over 7 years, and it is finally happening.

Now, I make lists of the valuables and in-valuables that I can’t live without; what books do I treasure enough to take with me, what image do I want to make for myself through the clothes I wear? I contact my insurance company and medical suppliers to see what my options are for treatment in what will be my new home. I register for disability services- something I never imagined I’d have to do, but know I must. I prepare for transition.

I have begun an exercise regimen and I am cleaning my diet. I have worn my CGM continuously for 2 months. My goal before I leave is to lower my HBa1C from 8.8 (in March) to 7.5 or lower, and I am currently on track to beat that goal. I’d like to lose some weight as well, but that goal is second to simply controlling my disease. I need to prove, to myself more than anyone else, that I am fully capable of being an independent adult and taking care of my health.

I am also learning when and how to ask for help. I lose no self-value in doing so and that lesson has taken time to learn, but the journey in doing so has been fruitful.

I am also remembering a lesson I taught myself through years of solitude: Let people go. There are people who enter your life to teach you, to guide you, and to support you, and once those people have served their purpose, they must be let go. There are some people who entered my life during my high school tenure whom I believed I could carry with me possibly for the rest of my life, but rapidly I am realizing that may not be the case. I wish them no ill will, simply that I need to let them go in order to continue becoming the best possible person I can be.

I am learning how to be happy. That is the most important lesson I can hope to learn in my life.

 

If you’re interested, once I move away I am planning on making a new blog to document my life in Washington, D.C. and eventually New York. I’ll link that blog here once it’s made.

Ghost!

Today is a down day and I’ve stopped trying to fight it. Down days are essential to making the up days extra good. I think I’ve been doing okay. I’ve had a few slip ups and moments where I’ve let myself feel worse than I should have, but Rome wasn’t built in a day and I can’t expect to completely reinvent myself in a week. So today is a down day and I’m doing my best to cope with that.

Ex-Boyfriend never called. He said he’d call when he got back in town, but he never did, and as we speak he’s boarding another plane and flying miles away from me. I yearn to talk to him. Besides Pelican, I feel like he’s the only one who ever really listened. I’ve been keeping a lot bottled up lately, and I know that I shouldn’t, but I don’t feel comfortable enough with my friends to try and talk to them about anything.

I’m coming to realize that I think I need new friends. While the ones that I currently have are often my pillars of support and the only people keeping me afloat, sometimes, especially as of late, they’ve been doing me more harm than good. Their characters have changed as they have entered relationships, they are often aloof when I need them most, and they hurt me when all I’ve done is try to help and be a good person. I’m not that good at making friends, I guess.

Home is no different really. I feel like a stranger in my own bed, but that’s nothing new.

We’re going back to school and working, and I welcome this much needed distraction. I feel Ex-Boyfriend’s ghost in almost every room I walk into, but I try to take inspiration from likely suggestions he would have given. I try to make the memory of him helpful instead of painful. On down days, that’s hard to do, but I think I’m doing okay.

Overall, I think I’m doing okay. Let’s just hope I can do okay for long enough.

How do you get over someone who gave you a whole world?

Famous Friend

Day 7- Your best friend, in great detail

I’ve known her since the start of middle school, 6th grade. At first, we didn’t get along too well.  She is my complete polar opposite in every way- physically and mentally- possible. 

In 6th grade, we weren’t very close honestly. I had other friends who I would associate myself with more often, and we also only had two classes together. We didn’t have many opportunities to be together. She also didn’t get along well with my other, closer friends at the time, which resulted in many tense and awkward moments when we were all together. She was extremely shy, as I was, so neither of us went to any great lengths to get to know each other better.

In 7th grade, we had many more classes together. It was weird; seemingly one day to the next we simply became best friends. There was no clear moment or day when I sat down and said “Oh yeah, we’re getting a lot closer. She knows me really well now, I think she’s my best friend.” It just happened. It eventually became that one weekend I slept over her house, the next weekend she slept over mine. This is also when I really started learning more about her; her family, her character and personality. She’s the middle child (she has a sister who is a year older than her and she has a brother who is four years younger than her). Her family is also from Venezuela, the same area as my family. Her parents pay more attention to her siblings than they do to her, resulting in her often giving up something that is in her interest for something in her siblings’ interests. She is selfless in this manner, but I’ve learned she can be quite selfish when her patience runs out, which I can’t really blame her for. She is also incredibly immature, which is where we clash. She has the mindset of an eight year old to be quite honest. However, I do my best to put up with her immaturity because she listens. She needs a gold medal, a plaque, a trophy, anything, for listening to my shit for the past few years. She listens when I really, really need someone to talk to and I never realized until recently how much I took that for granted.

In 8th grade, we had almost the exact same schedule (I was a year ahead of her in math- she isn’t the brightest bulb). She was the only friend I had. This was a particularly bad year for me, especially in terms of my depression and anxiety, and that girl stood by me every single day. She’d force me to go out on the weekends, to distract me from what I was feeling, we’d have sleepovers every chance we could because she was always worried I might kill myself, we’d talk on the phone all hours of the day and night. She never left me, not once. We went to Disney World together, we bowled together, we left clothes and toothbrushes at each other’s houses. She was my sister in every sense of the word besides coming from the same parents. That was the other thing, I told her parents I loved them more than I told my own parents. When I broke my finger playing basketball, her mom noticed I had been crying before my own mom did. Her entire family treated me as just another member of the family, and not just a friend and I will forever be indebted to them for saving my life.

She’s an inch taller than me, a generous amount bigger than me, a complete girly-girl, and is currently obsessed with Grey’s Anatomy. We no longer go to the same school, but we still talk to each other every week. She’s my sister more than she’s my best friend and I owe my life to her.

I’ve Got Friends…Not

It seems as though everyone has an easier time making friends than I do. Sitting in my history review sessions, my two pillars each go their separate ways with other groups of people whom they associate themselves with while I sit to the side by myself, minding my own business.

Since I started school, I’ve been the loner. Everyone would know each other and everyone would have friends, except for me. It seemed to be so effortless to others; talk, have lunch together, hang out on the weekends. It’s something that I simply can’t do. I don’t know how to. It takes so much energy, energy that I just don’t have.

I expect my friends to make other friends. I want them to. It just sucks that I can’t.