Stubborn Love

I haven’t published a post in a while because I haven’t been able to finish writing. I keep starting to write, starting to develop a story, some mediocre plot, but it falls apart just as I begin to pick up some steam and I never follow through. School began two weeks ago for me, and I feel like I haven’t had time to even breathe.

My goals for this school year are to become completely independent and to eat healthier. I’ve been eating salad whenever possible and trying (sometimes miserably, sometimes bravely) to stay away from heavily processed and all around unhealthy food. I’ve seen a dramatic change in my blood sugars since I changed my diet, and I have much more energy than before, but I know that the road ahead is long and foreboding. I’m determined to stick it out.

I keep feeling like none of my classes stimulate me or my mind. I’m taking mostly Advanced Placement, AICE, or Dual Enrollment courses, and yet I feel like I’m hardly in a Gifted class. My appreciation of intelligence and learning is quickly being depreciated as my teachers seem to have given up on educating seniors before we can even begin to lose our willpower. I’m not ready to take a break or stop learning; I want to be challenged and tested and pushed to my limits so that I can keep breaking my limits. It’s upsetting that my teachers seem to not share in my passion.

I’ve made friends in unlikely places and people, but I’m happy. I’m happier than I’ve been in months. Ex-Boyfriend still rings a steady pang in my heart, but I’m learning to live in memory of him instead of for him. I’m learning to be my own person, and most importantly, to be a better person. A few days this week have been particularly difficult, and I’ve had moments where I’ve wanted nothing more than to pick up my phone and call him, but I power through. We watched a short movie once from Disney; the moral of the film was perseverance in the face of adversity with the catchphrase “Chin up now, pip pip” repeated throughout the film. When I would be having a bad day, he would kiss my forehead and tell me the phrase, and just the silliness of the “pip pip” would make me feel better. I tell it to myself almost every day.

I’ll be okay. The more I say that to myself, the more likely it is to be true. At least, that’s how it works in theory, right?

I’ll be okay.

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Down by the River

Have you ever felt like you were drowning, but you manage to kick your legs and keep your head above water, but only just barely so? Your legs are starting to fatigue and it’s taking so much work that you barely think it’s worth it but you keep kicking anyway.

That’s as close to accurate as I can get to describing how I feel right now. It’s a down day, really really down, and I’m trying so hard to keep my head up and remind myself of everything I have going for me, but it’s so hard. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and I can’t reinvent myself in a week, but it feels barely worth it at this point. I feel so inherently alone.

Ghost!

Today is a down day and I’ve stopped trying to fight it. Down days are essential to making the up days extra good. I think I’ve been doing okay. I’ve had a few slip ups and moments where I’ve let myself feel worse than I should have, but Rome wasn’t built in a day and I can’t expect to completely reinvent myself in a week. So today is a down day and I’m doing my best to cope with that.

Ex-Boyfriend never called. He said he’d call when he got back in town, but he never did, and as we speak he’s boarding another plane and flying miles away from me. I yearn to talk to him. Besides Pelican, I feel like he’s the only one who ever really listened. I’ve been keeping a lot bottled up lately, and I know that I shouldn’t, but I don’t feel comfortable enough with my friends to try and talk to them about anything.

I’m coming to realize that I think I need new friends. While the ones that I currently have are often my pillars of support and the only people keeping me afloat, sometimes, especially as of late, they’ve been doing me more harm than good. Their characters have changed as they have entered relationships, they are often aloof when I need them most, and they hurt me when all I’ve done is try to help and be a good person. I’m not that good at making friends, I guess.

Home is no different really. I feel like a stranger in my own bed, but that’s nothing new.

We’re going back to school and working, and I welcome this much needed distraction. I feel Ex-Boyfriend’s ghost in almost every room I walk into, but I try to take inspiration from likely suggestions he would have given. I try to make the memory of him helpful instead of painful. On down days, that’s hard to do, but I think I’m doing okay.

Overall, I think I’m doing okay. Let’s just hope I can do okay for long enough.

How do you get over someone who gave you a whole world?

Heart of a Lion

I’ve succumbed to the dark world of Reddit-and I love it. I was always repelled from using the site due to its completely user-unfriendly desktop site, but a friend recently recommended the app BaconReader and I can’t put it down now.

Today, I decided to visit /r/diabetes_t1, so make this another chronicle in the series of trying to come to terms with my disease. I think that’s my mission for my last year of high school: Accept (or at least come close) my diabetes and learn to be okay with being alone. So far, I’ve provided advice to someone with questions about Sensors and also helped someone who was having trouble explaining what being low/high feels like.

It feels good, I feel like I’m doing something right. The past few days, as I’ve struggled to come out of the pool of Missing Ex-Boyfriend that I’ve been drowning in, I keep telling myself (because of trusty advice from Pelican) that my best chance at winning him over again is to prove that I am a better person. I try to be a good person, and I fail often, but I don’t stop trying. I’m studying for the ACT, I’m playing video games into the early morning, I’m getting exercise, I’m reading, I’m keeping up with the 2016 Election, I’m editing videos, I’m doing college applications. I want to prove to Ex-Boyfriend that I am worthy of his trust, and I went through a really rough patch, but I am trying my hardest to do better and be a better person.

I’m often lonely, but I also keep telling myself that I shouldn’t rely on other people in order to be content with myself. I think the hardest part of all of this is trying to convince myself that despite everything I did, I’m still a somewhat decent person.

Wish me luck.

Shade and Light

Scrolling through some pictures in my photo roll, I stumble across a few from my freshman year of high school and I’m dumbfounded. It’s hard to believe I was that broken and lonely person just 3 short years ago. Since the time that those pictures were taken, I have grown in ways I never before realized. I am a stronger, more intelligent, and more charismatic human being; in many ways, however, I am also more sensitive and frail.

I hate that I have allowed the events from the past few months to affect me so severely. I am ashamed that I allowed myself to feel weak. I worked for so long to be more than that, to be better than that. I lived a life of hiding in the shadows, and I was tired of not being myself and I vowed that I would not allow myself to be put down by anyone again, but I forgot to include myself in that. I put myself down, I was my own worst enemy. I deserve better than how I have treated myself.

I miss Ex-Boyfriend. I don’t think I’ll ever stop missing him, or needing him, or loving him. I think he will always own a piece of my heart. But eventually, sooner rather than later, I need to start moving on. I need to learn that it’s okay to be alone, that it’s okay to need someone, but that I’m all I need.

I don’t know how to be alone. I never have. In those moments of solitude, I forget who I am and I forget how to live. I feel weak and battered down and like my existence is meaningless.

I lived a life of hiding in the shadows and Ex-Boyfriend brought me into the sunlight. He taught me courage and bravery, and I can’t let that go to waste. I owe him my life and my happiness. I need to learn how to be alone and be okay. I owe him that at least.

A Letter- A Dream

I had a dream that we were in school, and you walked in unexpectedly. I was simultaneously overjoyed and wreaked by anxiety. You were wearing your gray shirt, the only with the colorful design of what I think is an elephant but have never been completely sure of. You were also clad in your light wash jeans and torn up red Vans. It felt like if I looked at you long enough, I could tattoo your image in the very front of my mind where I could see it every day and never forget what you looked like. If only I could capture scent in the same way. Your smell will forever be one of the only sources of true comfort I will ever know. I still have your Hummer cologne, but I haven’t sprayed it in fear of what my reaction would be.

In my dream, we were working at the dual monitor computer in the classroom and you slipped me a piece of folded lined paper. In scratchy pencil were the small words “I’ll always love you”. I looked at you and you told me you forgave me. I wrapped my arms around your neck in the very hug that I’ve daydreamed about for weeks now. We went home together afterwards and your mom wrapped me in another hug and cried about how much she missed me, while your step-dad questioned why we were back together. I was never sure he really liked me. I awoke from that dream with the soul crushing and bitter taste of disappointment on my lips.

In my dream, I was so happy. I felt a quiet, calm peace that has been absent from my life since May 27th when I broke up with you. Today marks 2 months since that dreadful day and I still regret it and I still hate myself for it and I still love you. I love you more than I will ever, ever, ever be able to express. You were the sun that shone on the dark side of my moon. You made me feel whole. I am so sorry. I am so proud of you.

A Letter; Memories and Regrets

A situation at home with my parents a couple of nights ago turned very ugly, and my gut reaction was to call you. I obviously didn’t, but I cried for a really long time as I sat at my desk, going over in my head how you would have reacted and what you would have done to comfort me.

I know I spent a lot of time during our relationship mad at you or criticizing you, and I know that those are probably the only memories of our relationship that you think about. They aren’t mine. I think about how foolish I was to always be upset with you, and I’m working so hard now to calm my temperament and think before I react or speak. I mostly remember the times you’d console me on your lap when I was having a bad day, or our adventures walking aimlessly to the nearest fast food joint or supermarket. I remember being comfortable enough with you to sit at your desk and study while you slept, or how you made me so comfortable with my body. I remember our showers together and how we would always come out freezing cold, but laughing. You would let me take a nap after school every day, and you would complain about it but you would always take off my shoes for me when I lifted my legs. We would walk Jackie at night together sometimes, and the conversations we’d have during that time would be short, but usually really deep and special. I’m sorry I wasn’t more supportive when Jackie was put down. I’ve never had a pet before, I didn’t know how much it hurts to lose one.

I got my AP scores, and I wanted to text you. I know you would have been proud of me, but I’m not sure you care anymore, and you probably don’t.

You were my biggest supporter and my best friend, and your absence has taken its toll on me. I am working to be a better, calmer, and more poised person, because that’s what you always wanted me to be. I’ve been playing soccer a lot, trying hard to remember all of the tips you told me about being a goalkeeper. I’m keeping myself occupied as much as possible to avoid feeling sad, but I always get to a point where I can’t keep the feelings away anymore. I want nothing more, in those moments and in the good moments, to pick up the phone and call you, listen to your voice.

It upsets me to feel like all of the sacrifices and choices I have made have been in vain.

I love you, with my entire heart. You are still my favorite person in the whole world. I miss you so much. I’m sorry for all of the pain I’ve caused you. I am trying to make up for it in ways I don’t even know. I’m so sorry.

I love you.

Barricade

This week has been quite a roller coaster, and not the pleasant kind. I fell really badly, in an emotional way, especially the last three days. If I let myself think for long enough, my heart starts pounding and my lungs forget that oxygen is their friend and my hands start shaking and I become a mess, so I’ve been trying to not think to much. As you can expect, this hasn’t been working too well.

I’m proud to say I didn’t resort to self harm after such a slump. It was disheartening that my good moods seemed to become a thing of the past as the days progressed, but I kept myself together enough to not break out the razor stashed in my drawer, and if anything good happened this week, it was that. I truly am proud of myself for that. I think it’s a sign that I do have the willpower to get better, I just need to remind myself of that willpower every now and then. I know that had I had a week like this one a year ago, my thighs would be a bloody mess right now.

My would-be(?) significant other leaves tomorrow for three weeks to another continent and that has me in shambles. As much as I try to deny it, I do still have feelings for her, strong ones, that seem more vibrant and fresh every time we’re together. I’m just completely fed up with feeling like she probably never had the same feelings towards me as I do for her. I’m sick of the one-sidedness of our relationship. As much as I’ve been trying to suppress my feelings, however, they surfaced today with a vengeance. It just really brings me down, the thought that while she’s away for the next three weeks, I will miss her terribly, but I know she probably won’t be missing me.

I really wish my mom would listen to my pleas of getting me a psychologist. I have the willpower to get better, I just need some pushing and prodding, and really just someone to talk to. It’s sad that I feel like the only person I may feel comfortable talking to is being paid to listen to me complain, but hey people pay for worse things.

Here’s to hoping for a better week.

The Summer

Day 13- This week, in great detail

Monday- I woke up around 7 to find that I had gotten my period in the wee hours of the night- thankfully I was cramping Sunday night so I had the fantastic idea to put on a pad before going to sleep and I saved a pair of underwear. I took some Midol and my stomach couldn’t hold any food until around 12 when I decided to test Burger King’s delivery powers. I was pleasantly surprised when my chicken fingers, satisfries, apple slices, and diet coke arrived in 15 minutes to my house, half an hour earlier than their expected delivery time. I managed to eat without throwing it all up and spent the rest of the day watching Next Great Baker on Netflix and earning some money by folding some envelopes for a family friend (I’m $15 richer today than I was Monday- booya). I spent most of this day in the living room, and retreated back to my lair when my dad got home seeing as we are still (even to today, Wednesday) not speaking to each other. I washed the dishes, I vacuumed my mother’s car, I took a shower, and was watching some Netflix until my would-be significant other called me at around 11:30, and we spoke until around 1 in the morning when I decided to go to sleep, seeing as I had run out of stuff to do.

Tuesday- I woke up at around 9 and had a small breakfast. I went to the living room and took advantage of E!’s Keeping Up With the Kardashian’s marathon while texting my pillar. He showed me this artist’s work of fair tale characters gone fugitives and decided to use their rendition of Goldilocks being arrested for unlawful entry as some painting practice. It was a nice experience and I’m very proud of myself; I’m beginning to understand paints, in particular watercolors, much better now in terms of colors and how to mix them and use them to your advantage. Painting her took up most of my day, so I finished out the day watching more Next Great Baker and went to sleep around 10:30.

Wednesday- I woke up at 10, didn’t have breakfast, and got mad at Chef Boyardee’s new packaging at lunch. They took away the thing you’d pull on to open the can and let’s just say can openers aren’t my best friends. I ended up having to take a knife and saw open the lid of the can in order to access the beefy ravioli contents. I ate that while watching 19 Kids and Counting and playing Two Dots on my phone. I later began folding more envelopes to make some more cash and retiring to my bedroom when my father came home unexpectedly early from work. I then began painting some characters from my favorite anime, Kaichou Wa Maid-Sama, while watching American Horror Story: Asylum. That led up to this moment in time when I am FaceTimeing my would-be significant other and typing this out. 

This week has been about as unproductive as it can get, and I’ve been holed up in my house since Saturday night. I am about to start digging an escape tunnel like in Orange is the New Black.

(Beyond Sad) But Breathing

Day 6- Your day, in great detail

My day started out the same as usual. I woke up at 5:50 wanting to throw my phone at my fan. I managed to get dressed and make it out the door and onto my school bus without any issues. Got to school, said hi to a few people I knew, sat down in an empty hallway and listened to music for a while. At 7:10, with the first bell telling students to start heading to class I left with my pillar to our teacher’s class, waited for the door to be opened and began working.

Nothing extraordinary occurred until my pillar decided to poke fun at the fact that in today’s last class, we’d be watching the videos we had to make for Romeo and Juliet as a project for English where I had to kiss a boy. This is an extremely tense subject matter for me. I agreed to kissing “Romeo” because the fact is, no one in school knows I’m gay. I couldn’t think of a good excuse to say no to kissing him. Of all people, I thought it’d be my pillar who refrained from making fun of me for it, but it was actually her who decided to bring it up. It felt like she had thrown my feelings down a well and drowned them.

I walked to my next period ahead of my pillars, fuming, trying to keep my emotions under control and I ended up exploding. I’m completely fed up with her thinking she can always be mean to me and I will never care or be hurt. Things really just went downhill from there. I had a complete meltdown at lunch when I realized I had begun eating and hadn’t checked my sugar. My doctor’s appointment is two weeks from tomorrow and I am nowhere near as controlled as I know my doctor is expecting me to be. I can’t handle my parents yelling at me to get my shit together again and I can’t handle having to talk to another psychologist to see if they can somehow convince me to get myself together. I have far too much on my plate right now to focus on anything individually and I’m coming apart.

I got home and I finished watching Frozen. I had popcorn, I plucked my eyebrows to try and tame the beast they have become a bit, and I took a nice, long, hot shower and even shaved. I put on my favorite big sleeping sweater and no short or pants and I’m laying in bed watching Cake Boss with the lights off and my fan on medium. If there’s anything I’ve learned over the course of the past few months, it’s that my mental health needs to come before anything and everything else. So if I feel like watching Cake Boss in my underwear with a bowl of popcorn on my lap is going to make me feel better, then God damn it I’m doing it.

I love her. I love her so, so much. I’m just so beyond tired of wondering if she loves me back.