Basic Instinct

I’m having a hard time believing in myself. Just having an overall difficult time believing I’m capable of being a good person, and having good intentions. I feel like I’m constantly fighting to convince myself to be the better person, and to not emotionally destroy people. Maybe I need better company. Maybe I need more time alone.

How do I convince myself that I deserve my lover boy? How do I pretend that I’m someone he should wait for? How do I fool myself into believing that, at the end of the day, I still deserve him?

I blame myself for a lot. There’s a lot that went wrong, has gone wrong, and is still going wrong, and I blame myself for a lot of it. At this point, I don’t know how to fix any of it. Instead, I just want to run away from it all. It’s supposed to be easier to just start over.

I don’t feel well, and I haven’t in a really long time. I keep trying to convince myself that I’m okay, but I’m tired of keeping up this fa├žade. I want to go to a challenging and stimulating university, I want to be with my lover boy, I want to manage my diabetes, but most of all I just want to be happy.

My happiness has always been fleeting, too brief to truly appreciate. The only time it ever really stuck around was when lover boy and I were together. Every time I’m with him, I feel it. But look at how badly I screwed that up. Then again, would we be in the position we’re currently in if things didn’t end when they did? I don’t know. I have a lot of questions and not nearly enough answers.

I feel totally, abhorrently lost. I long for the days when everything made sense.

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