The Other Side of Paradise

I don’t know where to go from here. I’m feeling more than a little lost. I do not open myself up and allow myself to be vulnerable, because if I do, I only invite pain.

Pain and me, we go way back.

~Yes, I am upset that you aren’t giving me attention anymore. I am not ashamed of that. You were my father figure, my role model, I looked up to you for everything and anything, For years, you were my steady hand of guidance and my source of peace. Of course I am going to be upset when that all leaves.

You were there when my dad cheated on my mom. You saw how that destroyed me. You saw how that destroyed my ability to maintain relationships with the people I loved most. You helped me through it all. You help me regain my footing, find my balance, hold my chin up, and power through it. You repaired me.

You were there when I cheated on my soulmate. You built me back together. You taught me how to believe that I could make myself into a better person after it, right my wrongs as much I could and then some. You helped me find who I was, and work toward becoming a better person, someone worthy of my platypus. I still may not be that person, but I’m working toward it, because of you.

How am I supposed to feel when everything you’ve taught me, everything you instilled on me, you turn your back on? When you cheat? Have you no remorse? Do you look at yourself in the mirror? Do you see who you’re hurting? Do you care?

How am I supposed to pretend I deserve to have him back in my life, when you do this? When you show me that “once a cheater, always a cheater” may just be true? How am I supposed to believe in myself when the person whom I believed in most thinks he can deceive me and those who love him in this capacity?

You try to coerce me back in with macarons and empty “I love you”‘s, as if I don’t see right through you. You underestimate me at every turn.

“You are the most important person in my life outside of my immediate family.”

Bullshit. Total, complete bullshit. I’ll never understand how you have the audacity to continue lying to me like this. Who are you trying to fool? Because it’s not working on me.

Not the love note you were expecting, right?

~My soulmate. You make my heart skip a beat, and today, it may just stop beating altogether. I will wait as long as it takes, but I am terrified. What if you find someone better, someone more deserving of you, someone that won’t hurt you? I can’t compete.

You are the best thing to ever happen to me. You have the most genuine soul of anyone I know. You walked into my life when I needed you most, and you’ve been there for me at every turn. I have oceans of love for you, waiting for you.

 

“Even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth ‘You owe me.’ Look what happens with a love like that. It lights the sky.”

You light my world.

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